I thought I would cry more.
I thought there might be sobbing or wailing by someone. Me, I guess.
I thought it would be dark. And I thought he would be in his bed in his room.
Tom died Monday.
There. I said it.
Say it again, Val. Out loud.
No.... the word died....it sounds too permanent. "Passed away" is kinder in my mind. Kinder coming out of my mouth. It reminds me of traffic...."Matt passed us quickly." Passed is a word I am quite familiar with, especially driving with Mr. Fun. :)
I got there the minute right after he died. Literally. He was still warm and I got to hold his hand.
He was there with his hospice nurse and his beloved cousin, Candi. I am so happy he wasn't alone.
Speaking of happy, Mr. Fun has said it more than once. How happy he is I mean. Happy for Tom.
For those folks who are not of the belief that our spirit is eternal, it might sound sort of coarse. Callous.
I see it as a "win-win" plan.
If there is no God and when we die we go into the ground and we cease to exist, then I won't know I was wrong. I win. But I lived better because of my wrong belief.
If there is a God, and when we die our spirit lives and we continue to exist, then I will have chosen well. I win. And I lived better because of my belief.
See, it is thoughts like that that I am choosing to think right now.
Tom didn't *think* this. He believed. He knew.
Today is National Best Friends Day. Seems only fitting that I should write my feelings.
Don't tell Jesus but we had a snowball
fight at Adam Ondi Ahman. :)
outing with the kids
While some best friends are at lunch right now, my best friend is being lovingly dressed by his family for his burial.
While some best friends are chatting on the phone, I have called his cell once to hear "Tom Allison" in that deep baritone voice.
While some best friends live in the same neighborhood, I am missing mine who are far from me. Living and "passed."
After Tom passed, I paced in the driveway calling those who I thought I should. His best friend Joe from high school. His favorite spiritual brother, Jack. His best car friend Dave. His second family....Mr. Fun, the baby goats, and King and Queen of Popper Holler.
It is strange what goes through your mind.
The people I wanted to so strongly to personally see were the oldest living couple I know. They have seen death take so many....and yet, they still believe we will see Tom again.
For whatever reason, Dan wasn't surprised to see me show up unannounced so late at his door. He had told his wife, Betty, earlier that day that I would come to them. That they would see me. Strange eh? I hadn't even been home to see the children yet.
Before I went to the Dodsons, I went to the temple grounds.
I didn't go to take any pictures.
I didn't go because of the light or clouds....really, the lack there of.
Frankly, I didn't even notice the sky. I know...a big thing for a cloud appreciator like myself.
I went to be alone. To ponder. To catch my breath.
And I wanted to call his brother, driving back home from far.
I climbed on the retaining wall by the freeway (sorry, JE Dunn I broke my self-governing rule and got out and left the truck). The view was best there and the rocks were warm.
If you know anything about my photo work of the last almost year, you know I have been to the temple grounds. A lot.
And I saw something I have never seen before.
A silver lining.
The silver lining of this story of the best friends is that we have been blessed. We are better people for knowing Tom.
This post has taken me hours to put into words and I have much work to do. I do not have the energy to write it all now, but suffice it to say that we are a blessed family.
One more thing.
The Angel Moroni on top will always reminds me of Tom. "You know he is going to get cooked right?" he would say.
Happy National Best Friend Day to the "all-natural" "Hoover Dam Cool" "Tom Allison."
ps/ Tom, one more thing. Monday night, Moroni wasn't cooked, but he did look a little sunburned. :)